Mom was afraid of physical pain. I worried about other realms. Her faith tended toward isolating thoughts. She rarely discussed things of a religious nature. In the end, that changed. She came to understand that there was another side and she was about to go there. Her favorite uncle Gary would be taking her home and she had no more fear.
Before I could get a chaplain to our isolated location in the Piney Woods of Deep East Texas, she began confessing. “Let me get a few things off my chest,” she pled. “I can’t wait until tomorrow.” Then she advised, “Don’t leave the house.” Within 24 hours, she said, “Don’t leave my room.”
For almost two hours, she unburdened herself. Later, I took a long, prayerful walk in the woods to release all that energy. I literally felt weighted down with so much information taken in so fast. It spanned all over her 78 years.
She carried the weight of those digressions with her everywhere. It blocked her from attaching to people. She knew they would eventually leave if they saw all of her ‘sins.’ So, she hid them. But, regrets have a way of festering and growing if not dealt with early on. Atone. Make it right. Leave the other person repaired instead of injured or broken. There are paths to correct the damage.
She asked me to do some things in the future like pass along messages of love again and again to some that she didn’t find time to tell in this life. Expressing love was not a risk she was willing to take. Rejection was too sharp-edged and damaging.
Two children who died were her focus. She couldn’t wait to see her oldest son Jay who died at 3 years old. He has never been discussed and was all but forgotten by everyone over the years but he still lived fully in her heart.
The second loss was my little sister whose death really dropped us both into a stubborn depression. She died unexpectedly at 44 years. It took the wind out of our sails and took years of rescuing abused animals to allow the grief to lift. It was stifling.
In her final moments, there was great peace. At the point of passage, there was an aura similar to one I’d felt before- when my nephew Kayle was born. There is a feeling that enfolds everyone in the room as soon as the baby is born. After the new soul is fully here and the umbilical and etheric cords are severed, a lasting peace remains.
Magnify that feeling by infinity plus one and that is what passed through me as my mother passed from this earth in my arms. It was magnificent, life-altering and empowering: It changed me forever. I am awake. And, I am healed.